


Below My Feet

by elospock



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-03-18
Packaged: 2018-03-17 17:34:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3538145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elospock/pseuds/elospock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loosely based upon the song by Mumford and sons. This is not a songfic though. The song served as emotional inspiration, mostly.</p>
<p>After yet another mission that ends up with Kirk risking his life, Spock makes an emotional scene that could bring the house down. Pre-slash/Slash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You were cold.

**Author's Note:**

> Here is just a story I have written a couple months ago. I decided to rework it lately, and here is the result! Let me know what you think, beautiful people! Live long and prosper.  
> Oh, and just so you know, there are some quotes in this story that are from works that I do not own, such as Star Trek: The Original Series and Pride and Prejudice. And maybe some other ones I am forgetting just now. If you notice them, you are fantastic. If you don’t, well, you are still awesome just for reading this story.

**Chapter 1: You were cold.**

 

“Jim.”

 

“We can't just pretend nothing–”

 

“Jim.”

 

“You know, Spock, you know I would never ever–”

 

“ _Jim_. Please.”

 

Something in Spock's tone made him stop talking at once. He looked at the Vulcan, who was sitting on the couch in his quarters, completely still, fists clenched, visibly trying to control himself.

 

“What? What is it, Spock?”

 

“You almost died again.”

 

It was probably the last thing Jim expected his First Officer to say right at this moment. He opened his mouth in disbelief.

 

“Is that why you are being all fussy? Because I _almost_ died?”

 

“ _Recklessly_ risked your life,” corrected the man, his voice slightly shaking.

 

The captain was truly astonished. Was Spock _that_ visibly shaken over Jim's attempt to fight some Klingons? Was he showing some sort of emotion? Jim felt his stomach tighten.

 

“Ooo-kay. It's no big deal, Spock, you know… You should know by now that being me can be quite risky,” he tried, with a half-heartened cocky smile.

 

Before Jim could react, Spock stood up and pushed him against the nearest wall, a hand on his throat.

 

“Spock, _what the fuck_ –”

 

“‘What the fuck is going on’, as you were going to say, is you being unable to restrain yourself from acting like a child. You would impulsively sacrifice your life _for nothing_.”

 

Jim was still writhing against the wall, in vain trying to escape Spock's grip.

 

“Spock–”

 

“Jim, why do you have to put yourself in these situations? Do you find some kind of _pleasure_ in pain, adrenaline rushes and certain death?”

 

Spock's voice was harsh, barely controlled. He was still holding Jim very tightly, almost choking him. The captain glared at Spock furiously.

 

“Spock, you know I would do _anything_ for my crew. Anything. And if I have to fuckingdie for them, for the rest of the planet, or even just for _you_ , I would do it without thinking. Because it is my fucking duty and because I cannot bear any of you _dying_ on my behalf! And that's how it is, Spock. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few – or the one. It’s only logical, really, don’t you agree? You should, because it totally is. Now, _Commander_ , let me go.”

 

“No, _sir_ ,” replied Spock, anger piercing through his flat tone. “I shall not let you go. It is not 'alright' to risk your life on the behalf of everybody else. Your life, after all, is more important than any of your crew – or mine, for all that matters. You are the Captain.”

 

“You are wrong, Spock. My rank doesn't mean anything, _anything_ , where my crew is concerned. It _is_ my duty to protect them.”

 

“ _Jim_.”

 

“Now, _listen to me, Spock_ ,” spat the young man, fiercely angry now. “Oh and _please_ , don’t _'Jim'_ me. I don't care what you think, I don't care what is _expected_ of me – I don't fucking give a damn, alright? It might not be fucking logical that I value my life less than the one of a yeoman, _and yet, I do_. And you better accept it because it won't change anytime soon.”

 

Spock was glaring at him, his grip tightening a little around Jim's chest. He sighed, annoyed by the Vulcan’s stubbornness and unyielding attitude. _So much for being part of a race that prides itself for its objectivity and logic_.

 

“So,” he continued, “you will not _fucking_ tell me what to do, what to say, what to feel, and I will continue to risk my life for the people I care for whenever I can and whatever the circumstances. Now, Mr. Spock, will you let go of me _at once_ or should I make that an order?”

 

For a few seconds, Jim thought Spock would genuinely attack him. He held his First Officer’s stare, their anger mirroring in each other's eyes.

 

“The needs of the one, the life of every single being will always matter to me, Jim. Especially yours.”

 

Then, limply, Spock released the captain. He turned quickly, and moved towards the desk. Kirk could see he was trying to compose himself; his breath was ragged and his head bent. His shoulders were visibly tensed. Kirk massaged his neck and his bruised chest. He knew Spock only meant well, but he couldn't help but wish that he had taken less forceful means to manifest it. He sighed apologetically.

 

“Spock… Look, I'm sorry, I… I didn't mean half of what I said.”

 

Spock was now shivering uncontrollably. Worried, Jim stepped closer to him.

 

“Are you alright, Spock? You are trembling. What's going on?”

 

“You… you were cold.”

 

For a second, Jim wasn't sure if Spock had spoken at all. His voice had barely been a whisper. He put a tentative hand on the Vulcan, who stepped away quickly to avoid it.

 

“What–”

 

“You were cold, Jim. As though your blood had frozen to your bones.”

 

Spock turned to face Jim. Never before had he seen so much distress on the Vulcan's face.

 

“I…”

 

“When you repaired the warp core. When you saved us all. When you… died. I was the one who carried you, right before Khan was captured. I was the only one who could. I am not immune to radiations, though due to my Vulcan heritage, I seem to be more resistant to them. As you had been significantly exposed, I volunteered to transport you. You were incredibly light, and your face was… very pale. And you were… cold.”

 

Spock's hands were trembling at his sides, so he wrapped them around himself.

 

“While you were… gone… I was restless. I could not sleep, and yet, it was the only thing preventing… I had to sleep, for I could not weep. Vulcans do not weep. They do not show emotion. I could not release the emotional overflow that threatened to drown me. Not in front of the crew. Not even in my private quarters. The crew needed me to be strong. _You_ needed me to be strong. I had to pretend that everything was under control, that everything was well. It had to be. All had to be well. But suddenly, all I knew seemed to be steeped in blackened holes. I was completely lost.”

 

Jim was very still, listening intently to what the Vulcan was saying.

 

“Jim, you are what keeps me sane. Since the day my planet was destroyed, the Enterprise, more than Earth, is what anchored me to life. In the hours following Doctor McCoy’s treatment based on Khan’s blood, when you were between life and death, I tried to meditate, but my thoughts would always come back to you. I thought of the last words you told me, and their meaning. I suddenly realized that losing you was an unbearable thought to me, just as the opposite had been true for you. And it taught me to hope, as I had scarcely ever allowed myself to hope before. In my restless sleep, that was what I was asking you: to help me ground me, to help me ‘keep the earth below my feet’, as you would say. You are the only one who can.”

 

Jim was gaping at Spock, unable to utter a sound. Spock, willingly admitting to _feel_ something? _Because of him?_ Something was wrong. Terribly wrong. Or… maybe it was good? No. It couldn't be.

 

“Jim,” he continued with some urgency. “You have to understand. The odds that you will survive all the critical situations you are constantly facing are astronomically low. That time, with Khan, you almost proved them right. Therefore, every time you risk your life, I do not know why, but I… I _feel_ scared.”

 

Of course, Jim knew the Vulcan was only hiding his emotions, rather than being devoid of them. But for him to actually _confess_ that he was feeling something remained quite extraordinary. He gulped with difficulty, and tried to control his racing mind.

 

Spock took a tentative step towards the captain. “Jim, every time I feel friendship for you, I am ashamed. Because I cannot help myself but _to feel_ … to feel frightened that something will happen to you and that I will not be able to prevent it. I am scared that you will meet an untimely death. And it is an idea I cannot bear. It is not logical, and yet, when it comes to you, hardly anything I do seems to be logical.”

 

Spock was now very close to Jim, whose heart was beating wildly. Uncertainly, the Vulcan put his hands on his shoulders.

 

“Jim, I cannot… I cannot lose you,” he whispered, resting his forehead on Jim's.

 

“Spock…”

 

The words died away in his throat, strangled by the overwhelming flow emotions submerging him. He closed his eyes, angry at his own weakness. Tears slowly streamed down his face. Lightly, Spock brushed his cheek with his fingers, softly wiping the tears away.

 

“You are crying, Jim.”

 

Jim looked intensely in Spock's deep brown eyes.

 

“Spock, a couple weeks ago, I realized that… that I _care_ for you more than I have ever cared for anybody in my life," he whispered. "And today, the Klingons… they had captured _you_. The only reason why I risked my life so thoughtlessly is because I cannot bear anything happening to _you_. I would rather die a thousand times than let anything happen to you.”

 

Very slowly, Spock lift Jim's chin up, drying the last of his tears with his thumb.

 

“I have been and always shall be your friend, Jim.”

 

Jim looked back, feeling a pang of longing in his heart that he could not explain.

 

“As you always will for me too, Spock. Even though you…”

 

The captain stopped speaking abruptly. What was he even doing? Was he really confessing his undying love to Spock just like that? Surely, Jim was reading too much into what Spock was saying. Right?

 

“Even though I am more than a friend?” finished Spock, his voice slightly trembling.

 

Jim was too shocked to answer anything.

 

Gently, Spock brushed his lips against Jim's.

 

Suddenly, the door burst open, allowing in an extremely disheveled McCoy.

 

“What _on_ _Earth_ _and the Moon and all the goddamn Solar system_ were you thinking, Jim? What THE HELL is wrong with you?’

 

Jim and Spock jumped apart from each other as though they had been struck by some kind of particularly intense lightning. Taking no notice of the intimate scene that had clearly taken place only seconds ago, the doctor caught Jim by the shoulders and made him sit down on the couch, his tricorder already out and hovering.

 

“How the hell am I supposed to be able to keep you alive, you reckless bastard? Or should I say, to keep you _both_ alive. Do you have a death wish, Spock? Trying to reason with _Klingons_? What was that even about, for the love of all that’s holy?”

 

Bones abruptly injected some meds with several hypos in Jim's neck, who was still too overwhelmed by Spock words and Bones’s sudden interruption to react how he would have in his normal state. He merely winced at the injections, his gaze going from Spock to McCoy. Slowly, as though driven by a conflicting impulse, Spock went to sit on the couch, making sure to keep a secure distance between them.

 

“Dammit man, sometimes, I really wonder what is going on in that thick head of yours. What if you had been _injured severely_? What if I _cannot_ fix you, Jim?”

 

Bones continued his gibberish of incoherent anger and worry, but the captain was not really listening. Slowly, he put his hand to his mouth, touching the place where Spock's lips had been only seconds ago. Spock was looking back penetratingly at Jim.

 

The tension between the two officers was almost palpable, and yet, McCoy seemed completely oblivious of it. He didn't even seem to notice that Spock had moved at all. After a while, though, he noticed how silent the room was besides his furious recriminations – which was unusual, to say the least.

Suddenly suspicious, he looked from Spock to Jim.

 

“Good God, Mary and Jesus, was I interrupting something?”


	2. Chapter 2. My blood runs weak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, good people! So, as I was getting impatient to get more feedback from you fantastic people (thank you so much for all your kudos and comments, by the way!), here is another chapter, a bit earlier than I thought I’d publish it! LLAP! :)

 

“Good Gods, was I interrupting something?”

 

Jim and Spock looked at each other.

 

“Yes,” was Spock's answer.

 

“No,” replied Jim at the same time.

 

Rolling his eyes, Bones stood up and rummaged through his bag, looking for something among the countless hypos, med bottles, and other artifacts.

 

“Okay, I think you two might need to discuss some things – and before you say anything,” said Bones, gesturing towards Kirk, anticipating his objections, “unless it's some medical condition, I don't need or want to know about it. You two deal with whatever issues you have; I don't wanna be part of it.”

 

“Doctor, it would be highly illogical to include you in an ordeal that visibly disturbs you greatly. Also, might I add, as humans say, it is 'none of _your_ business'.”

 

“Damn right. All I want to do now is make you two idiots promise me NOT to kill each other after I'm done here. I've had enough of you being reckless and risking your lives today, so I don't want so see you in sickbay because you lost your Vulcan or corn-fed tempers. Is that understood?”

 

“Bones, really –“

 

“No, Jim, don't 'Bones' me. I know you too goddamn well. So if you don't want me to hypo you into next year, you will stay off duty and take these pills every three hours. And that goes for you too, Spock, for god's sake. If I see or hear that _either_ of you has gone up to that damn bridge in the next 24 hours, you're gonna _regret it_. Scotty and Sulu can mind the store for a day.”

 

He put down aggressively two bottles filled with red and green pills on the coffee table while Spock and Kirk stood up at once, protesting loudly.

 

“Doctor, there is no need for–”

 

“Yeah, Bones, that's just plain rid–”

 

“Now, listen to me, you two hot-headed bastards,” interrupted McCoy forcefully, “I've had ENOUGH of your goddamn hero complexes, and if you don't do as I say, I _will_ relieve the hell out of both of you of duty until we get back to Earth. So you better damn behave! I'm still your CMO, goddammit, and if I say that you are not fit for duty, well YOU. ARE. NOT. Now, _sirs_ , is that understood once and for all? Or do I have to send a memo to the whole goddamn galaxy to make sure you don’t do anything stupid for a couple of hours?”

 

There was an unusual edge in the doctor's tone that startled both officers into silence. Of course, McCoy had always been grumpy and bad tempered, but it was more a façade than the real deal. Something was amiss.

 

“Well, what do you know? I finally got the last word,” snorted the doctor, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

 

Tentatively, as McCoy was putting his tricorder back in his bag, Jim took a step towards him.

 

“Bones… What's going on?”

 

“Nothing, Jim.”

 

“Okay, Bones, come on. Tell me what's this all about. I know it can't be just about me and Spock.”

 

The doctor remained silent, relentlessly moving things in his first-aid kit.

 

“Bones? There is something else going on, isn't there? Because, I've seen you angry, or even absolutely furious; I've seen you very mad at me, and I know very well how you act when you're in a bad mood, but I've never seen you react like this.”

 

Sighing, Leonard closed his bag. Suddenly, he looked very tired and much older than he really was.

 

“Bones?”

 

“Yeah, alright, Jim, there _is_ something else besides your stupid and foolish recklessness, though it never helps that you always manage to almost die on me all the time. I'm not getting any younger, kid, and it's getting to me. You have no idea of what _my nerves_ have to go through every time you land on a goddamn planet. You just seem to be a magnet for trouble – there’s no such thing as routine or normal missions for you. I'm just a doctor, dammit, not a miracle worker.”

 

McCoy sighed and closed his eyes.

 

“And someday… Someday, I fear I won't be able to fix you, kid. And that scares the hell outta me.”

 

Jim silently put his hand on his friend's shoulder, waiting for him to continue. Nervously, McCoy ran a hand through his hair.

 

“But… you are right, Jim. There is something more. It's… It's Christine. She was gravely injured, she was sent down with the rescue party looking for you and Spock. She _insisted_ that she ought to go while I waited here. It was hectic in sickbay, so I let her. And now– well, she's now in a coma. I… I don't even know if she's gonna make it.”

 

The doctor sat down, visibly shaken. His voice was hoarse with emotion when he started speaking again.

 

“She might even be already dead, Jim. And there’s nothing I can do about it.”

 

He put his head in his hands, visibly trying to fight back the tears that were threatening to pour out.

 

“I should have gone down there myself, dammit.”

 

Jim looked at his friend, shocked. Christine… Christine Chapel was now dying because she had wanted to rescue _him_. She was dying because of _his_ recklessness.

 

_How many more had died because of me today,_ he wondered. He didn’t even know. What a good captain, he was, right? And to think that he had thought he was _saving_ his crew…

 

Jim fell to his knees, lowering himself at the doctor's level.

 

“Bones, this is not your fault. Don't you blame yourself for what you did, you did nothing, _nothing_ wrong, you hear me? This – all of this is my fault. If someone should be blamed for everything that happened today, it's me, and certainly not you. Why do everything I do turn out like this? Fuck, I was only trying to help– I only wanted to… I–”

 

Jim's voice broke, unable to repress the guilt and the turmoil of feelings that was flooding his heart, drowning him in sorrow, cutting through his throat like shards of glass. How could he have been so stupid? He should have foreseen such an outcome. Maybe he should never have been promoted in the first place. All he seemed to be able to do, no matter how hard he tried, was to endanger his crew, his friends – Spock.

 

Damn, even Spock had almost died today. What if it _had_ happened? What if Spock had actually died? Jim would certainly not have been able to live with himself if he had, he was sure of it. He could barely stand himself now, thinking about all those people risking their lives for him, let alone imagine coping with Spock's death.

 

“I'm so sorry. I failed. It's all my fault, Bones,” he whispered.

 

Before he could react, he felt himself dragged up, and for the second time in a very short period of time, Jim found himself pined against the wall under Spock's grip.

 

“Spock, what – What the _fuck_ –”

 

“Captain, you presently seem to be under the absurd and illogical misconception that everything that happened today did because of your actions. If that is the case, you are indeed _severely_ mistaken.”

 

Spock's tone was controlled and almost flat, a sign that Jim had come to know as one of great anger and emotional repression. Once again, Jim tried to escape the Vulcan's grasp – in vain. He stopped fidgeting to glare at his First Officer.

 

“Spock, people have _died_ trying to rescue me. People have _fucking_ died because of me, and you are saying it's not _my fault_?”

 

“May I firmly remind you, sir, that without your swift actions, even more people would have perished?”

 

“It doesn't matter, Spock. All my crew, every single one of them is my responsibility, and every time one of them dies, it _is_ my fault. And I think you know that. I thought we had that covered just a few minutes ago.”

 

A tense silence ensued. Jim's breath was becoming more and more erratic as Spock kept his unbelievably strong hand on the Captain's throat.

 

“You know it's true, Spock.”

 

The Vulcan arched an eyebrow. He loosened his hold a little, making it easier for his Captain to breathe, though not nearly enough to allow Kirk to escape.

 

“Are you then insinuating that you were the one who asked or made it possible for the Klingons to trespass into Federation space?”

 

Jim rolled his eyes.

 

“No, of course –”

 

“Were you the one who asked them to fire upon us?”

 

“No, but –”

 

“Were you the one who let them infiltrate Sherman's planet and allowed them to kill civilians, to destroy their dwellings, and to overrule the local government?”

 

“Spock, will you just –”

 

“I fail to see how you can be held responsible for any of the circumstances that led to the efficient course of actions you took today, which as I reminded you several times now, prevented the certain death of most of the people aboard this vessel, myself included. Or are you suggesting that you can also be made liable for the actions of our enemies?”

 

“That has nothing to do with –”

 

“With all due respect, Captain, it has.”

 

“No, dammit, you know very fucking well what I mean. Spock, don't play dumb on me, it's not _working_. _I_ was the one who let _you_ endanger yourself by allowing you to negotiate with them. _I_ was the one who decided to come and rescue you myself instead of letting security handle the matter, which would have prevented the Klingons to take _me_ as a hostage. They wanted _me_ , and I made the task easier for them. _I_ was the one in need to be rescued, so that's why people _died_. Because _I_ had to fucking prove I could do this myself. Because _I_ refused to listen to what other people were suggesting. Because I had a fucking _gut feeling_ , merely an intuition that it was the right thing to do, when it obviously was the worst possible thing I could have done just then. So it is all _my_ fault, no matter why the Klingons were there, no matter how.”

 

Jim was still unsuccessfully trying to escape the steely grip of his First Officer, glowering at him.

 

Suddenly, something strong hit the wall just besides Kirk. Startled, he gaped as he realized that it was, in fact, _McCoy_ who had nearly punched him. He was livid with anger.

 

“Now wait a damn minute, Jim. Lemme get this straight to your little fried brain, because it seems to me that it's not functioning as it should at the moment. You ain't no goddamn _god_ or super hero, no matter how hard you try. You cannot be blamed for being human, and having limits, dammit. I'm always the first one to point out your flaws, to question your decisions, but it doesn't mean that they are not _good decisions_. I question them because it's my duty as a friend and as CMO. And I'm sorry, kid, but Spock is right. And don't let anybody hear I said that,” he said, pointing his finger at Spock and Jim, menacingly. “I hate to agree with the hobgoblin, but it's true, you sure as hell saved the ship today. And with all due goddamn respect, Jim, we are not just damsels in distress waiting for our knight in shining armor to save us. We all know what we signed up for, you know. We were not assigned to the Enterprise and expected it to be a peaceful walk with the dog around the damn park. We all know death awaits us at every corner. The people who died today knew it too. Christine knew – knows it. They didn't die because of what _you_ did. They died honorably, fighting for their ship, for their Captain, for their goddamn _planet_. They knew it was part of the game.”

 

Bones pushed Spock aside, who surprisingly complied without protesting, finally releasing Jim's throat from the Vulcan's long and strong fingers. The doctor quickly grabbed the Captain by the collar.

 

“So listen to me very carefully, Jim. Instead of saying they died by mistake, you should start realizing that they _didn't_ , and that they died because they believed in the same damn things that you do, because they believe in freedom, in peace, in the Federation. So don't you _dare_ say that they died by mistake, dammit! Because it's not true, and when you declare that, it's like saying they died for _nothing_. Put that in that thick skull of yours.”

 

Abruptly, McCoy let go of Jim's shirt and went to pick up his bag. Without a word, he headed for the door, but stopped when he reached it. He turned towards Jim, who was still standing stunned against the wall. All anger seemed to vanish from the doctor's demeanour, as suddenly as it had first manifested.

 

“Take your pills, Jim. And _please_ don't go to the bridge. I'll stop by later to check on you, and you better be here.”

 

Leonard stepped closer to the doors, which opened swiftly.

 

“Bones. Wait.”

 

Half-way through the doors, McCoy paused, glancing over his shoulder.

 

“What is it, Jim?”

 

The young Captain walked up to the doors and, after a moment of hesitation, gave the doctor a tight hug.

 

“I'm so, so sorry for Christine. I'll go check on her later. If I can do anything…,” he murmured near McCoy's left ear.

 

Slowly, McCoy returned the embrace, patting Jim on the back.

 

“Rest. Please. Do this for me. You need it, kid.”

 

Jim smiled, his head resting on the older man's shoulder.

 

“I'll do my best.”

 

“You better. Coming from you, that's helluva promise. Just try to keep it this time, you know.”

 

Jim's smile widened a little as he took a step backwards, leaving only his hands on Bones's shoulders.

 

“Thank you, Bones. I mean it. I don't know what I would do without you.”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Don't mention it,” grumbled the doctor, disengaging himself from the Captain's embrace. “I'll see you later, Jim. Spock,” he nodded toward the Vulcan, who had been placidly looking at the emotional display between the two humans.

 

And Leonard H. McCoy walked out of the room.

 

There was a very soft moment of silence. Kirk ran his hand through his hair, still shaken by the pretty eventful day and by what had just happened. He suddenly felt immensely tired.

 

Jim sensed more than he heard the Vulcan move behind him.

 

“Jim. You require rest. I shall leave you to –”

 

“No, Spock!”

 

The Commander's eyes widened a little in surprise. Jim embarrassingly realized that he had almost shouted the last words.

 

“I mean,” he continued more softly. “Yes. I know. I need rest. And you need some too. But…”

 

_I need you_.

 

The Captain hesitated. He looked over to his First Officer, who was eying him questioningly.

 

“I – I don't want to be alone.”

 

Jim lowered his gaze.

 

“I've always been alone, even when I actually am with people,” he continued, as the Vulcan remained silent. “I've never been close to anybody, Bones excepted. And tonight – or whatever time it is right now – well, let’s just say I'm not sure I can stand it. And for obvious reasons, I won’t go see Bones. He has enough on his shoulders right now. So please. Do stay.”

 

“I do not think it would be appropriate for me to stay at this moment.”

 

Frowning, Jim looked up at his friend. “What do you mean?"

 

Spock's gaze went to the floor, as he turned away from his Captain.

 

“Captain, I fear that I am severely emotionally compromised and that my – recent – behaviour was hardly professional at all. I will remove myself from your quarters, as my presence, no matter how comforting you seem to deem it, will only impediment your rest and proper recovery. Also, I need to meditate in order to–”

 

“Oh, is that so, Mr. Spock? You need to meditate, now. Now that you have done your _duty_ , you're just going to leave and _meditate_ , is that right? Seems like the right, I mean the _logical_ , thing to do, isn't it? Especially after I've told you how I really need your presence right now. You know, that's what someone who care for someone else does, to be there for the other. Or didn't you mean any of the things you said earlier?” asked Jim bitterly, his temper simmering.

 

Spock stared sharply back into Jim's unflinching gaze, but remained silent.

 

“What is this really about, Spock?”

 

“Captain, logic dictates I try to meditate even though it might not be possible at the moment. Remaining in your presence only seems to trigger some unpredictable emotional reactions, if my unforgivable recent behaviour is anything to go by.”

 

“Hey, Spock, it's not as though you've never _tried_ to strangle me before,” replied the Captain, with humorless smirk. “You have not succeeded yet, and you know what they say–”

 

“Your mediocre attempt at humor only furthers –”

 

“It was sarcastic, Spock.”

 

“Nevertheless, I must –”

 

“Alright, alright, I'm sorry! All I mean is that yeah, you might have been a bit harsh on the Vulcan Death Grip today, but it's no big deal. I kinda was asking for it. Both times.”

 

Spock looked up at his commanding officer, bewildered.

 

“Even though I do regret losing my temper twice this evening, I must admit that it is not the only particular event I was referring to.”

 

Sighing, his anger dropping instantly, Jim turned his back to the Vulcan.

 

“I know, Spock.”

 

Running for the umpteenth times his hand through his hair, Jim lowered his gaze to the floor.

 

“You know, we can just forget about it, if it disturbs you so much. I understand if you… Well, if you didn't really mean what you said, or if you were indulging in your emotional side when you said it, it's fine. I know how you Vulcans hate to display your emotions, so, like, it's okay. We… we can still be just friends, pretend nothing happened or something. But I need you, Spock. Even just as a friend. I –”

 

“Do you truly wish that we remain 'friends' after what happened, Jim?”

 

Jim gaped at Spock, startled – and hurt. God, that hurt. Where was that coming from? He had thought… Well, he had thought the Vulcan at least _cared_ , if just in a friendly manner. Earlier, he had seemed so... Well, so troubled. So _human_.

 

_That's it_ , Jim thought. _Spock can't deal with all these emotions, so he decided that he ought to get away from the source instead of always having to repress and deal with the unwanted feelings_.

 

It made Jim incredibly sad. He thought about all the pleasant evenings they had spent playing chess, quietly speaking, or simply remaining in a companionable silence. He thought about the subtle humor of his First Officer and the way he would definitely _not_ smile when Jim would say something amusing.

 

He thought about Spock's soft lips on his own and all the promises it had held then.

 

_I need him_ , was shouting Jim's mind. _I need him so fucking much. But that was never really reciprocal, obviously._

 

No. He wouldn't cry, he wouldn't beg, he wouldn't show how distressed he was. He was strong. He had been rejected before. He knew the drill. He was probably better off alone anyway. And at least, now, unlike before, he had the Enterprise. At least, _she_ would never reject him.

 

He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself.

 

“I didn't know you didn't even want to be friends anymore.”

 

Gods, saying that out loud hurt even more than he thought it would.

 

“It's – it's fine, Spock. I had wished… Well, I really appreciate you, so I had thought – But it doesn’t matter. I hope we will be able to maintain a good professional relationship, but – but I would understand if you wanted to be assigned to another ship. I – I just want you to be happy. Even though that's an emotion and I probably shouldn’t wish you to feel more than you already are – not that I’m implying that you are feeling anything or are not a good Vulcan or something. You are so very Vulcan and I like you – I like _it_ that way. And I think I’ll just shut up now, because I’m obviously babbling.”

 

Jim closed his eyes.

 

“Look. I get it. Don’t worry. I won’t make your life any harder than it already is if you decide to remain on this ship. I’m sure we can work out a solution to spend as less time together as possible. You’re a genius, and I’m not bad myself. We’ll figure it out.”

 

He was glad not to be facing Spock as a tear slowly rolled down his cheek. However, also because he was not facing Spock, he missed the genuinely stunned expression on the Vulcan's face.

 

“Jim, you misunderstand: indeed, I said I do not wish to be your friend, but –”

 

“No, it's okay, Spock,” cut Jim, harsher than he intended. But it was so painful already; he didn't need Spock to rub salt into the wound by explaining _logically_ his reasons. “You really don't need to justify yourself. I understand why you wouldn't –”

 

“– not for the reasons you deduced, on the contrary, Jim –”

 

“– I know that I am way too emotional for you and that –”

 

“– I would not be adverse to partake in a relationship with you that can be referred as –”

 

“– you prefer to avoid my company and –”

 

“– more than friends.”

 

Jim stopped talking at once and turned around sharply. Spock was now only standing a few inches away from him, thanks to the Vulcan's stealthy ability of moving without a sound.

 

“Wait, what? _What did you say_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, let me know what you thought!

**Author's Note:**

> Two more chapters (and longer ones) to come! (For now!) And they are already written, so GOOD NEWS PEOPLE! I shall update soon! Let me know what you thought!


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